Thursday, October 18, 2012

This night


I sat on the floor outside your door, awaiting your return with nothing but a four-leaf clover on one sleeve and my heart on the other. I tapped timidly at first, but as the minutes turned to hours I knocked with my fists and the growing realization that I was, really, alone.

Nothing stirred in the darkness but despair, all I could hear was my heart beating through my ribcage, erratically. As the cold seeped through my coat and chilled my bones, I knew it, the four-leaf clover had let me down, you weren't coming home.

And so with your scent lingering in the air, I pulled myself up and walked down the stairs. Hoping to see your face at every turn. It wasn't until I reached the street outside, under the gloom of this cursed night, that I gave up hope.

You just never came home.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Arrest me now

I clutch my chest with the sheer strength of a thousand men,
Afraid my heart will pump itself into cardiac arrest.

I cannot fathom and cannot bear
La idea de un mundo sin tu hermoso ser.

Your love runs deep within these bluish veins,
It gives me goosebumps, shivers and strength.

I long to hold you and make you warm
Make you the happiest man alive.

Forgive this selfish, foolish mind
Cuddle my heart and never ever
be apart. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Fear

I cleaned out that old closet under the stairs where we used to keep the stuff we didn't want, but couldn't bring ourselves to throw out for one reason or another. That broken lamp, a wobbly chair and the hardcore winter boots you bought me. Not once did we go where there's snow.

Of yours I found nothing but dust. I would say fading memories of us, but some are much too vivid. The apartment no longer resembles that nest we built with a student's budget and the excitement over buying a generic coffee machine. Everything is new and shiny, all your old shit has been thrown out.

Except that here I am, writing about you once again. No, I don't love you.

I don't hate you either. I just wish you never existed.


You see, I don't know how to function anymore.  I don't know what being a good guy is and I certainly don't know how to do the right thing. I don't know when to give in and when to give all, when to resign and when to push through. I don't know how to LOVE.

You didn't take my heart, you took my compass. And here I am fluttering uncontrollably between two gusts of wind and the looming storm overhead.

I am not lost without you, I am lost because of you. And finding my way back to love has proven to be the single most difficult and lonely journey I've ever embarked on.

As I float adrift in this ocean of doubt, my greatest fear lurks around me like a shadow in murky waters.

It's the dread that keeps me staring at the ceiling all night,
the horror that clutches my heart with a bony grip
and squeezes tauntingly

The fear that I've become you. 




Thursday, October 4, 2012

Three


Everything comes in threes, thirds and troikas.

Three meals a day
Entrée, plat, dessert
The three-minute egg

Veni vidi vici
Liberté, égalité, fraternité
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

The three Furies
The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

One might argue that seasons come in four, but truth is, we spend a third of the year wearing coats, a third of the year wearing shorts and the other third not knowing what to wear / We spend a third of the day working, a third of the day sleeping and a third of the day doing everything else / Third parties, third degree, third time’s the charm.

Does love come in threes too???
Forget love triangles, threesomes or third nipples.
I mean to love mind, body and soul.

Can love occur without admiration, lust and tenderness?
Can love flourish without respect, passion and caring?
Can love survive without reason, desire and emotion?

Everything comes in threes, except when it doesn't.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Goodbye

If I had my way I'd never say goodbye. It's such a sweet sounding word though, isn't it? It would rhyme with lullaby, but sounds like a raspy croak instead when I say it.

Goodbye is, actually, just the beginning of life without you. It's the cork that pops and then your heart pours out. No amount of glasses could ever be enough to contain this overflowing loss I feel over you.

Goodbye ain't farewell, c'est faire mal. The plight of us and the loss of mine.

How can I say bye without your face flashing in my mind, without breaking through the sutures of this convalescent heart?

Goodbye is short for "God be with ye", may He help ye forget that ye once loved me, for I certainly can't. 

Damn I miss being with ye... dimbye my love, dimbye.